Is it self sabotage thats holding me back on my quest for a new life; or are my kids just trying to ruin my life? Did I really just send a potential employer a picture of my son's first poo in a potty? This and many other awkward questions, answered here
In control...of nothing
This is a picture of me, dressed and on my way to an interview. As a friend who saw the picture commented 'you look totally in control' - heres the thing, I was so very much not in control. I had just had to change my shirt and tie up my hair because the 2 year old (aka 'Small' - the other one is creatively known as 'Big') had vomited on me minutes before I was due to leave the house - I had also sent the recruiter who secured me this interview, a picture of the self same son's first poo in a potty, only 2 weeks before. I asked myself, is this self sabotage at its most high functioning level, or am I really truly that inept?
"Is this self sabotage as its most high functioning level, or am I really, truly that inept?
Bored of reading this? Vomit!
I knew not only that Small was not feeling well, but that he was also going through an alarming mummy phase. No one else but mummy would do, in any situation. When forced to deal with others, he did so, but with little enthusiasm, and occasionally accompanied by a crying, screaming jag that could last for hours. Leaving the house had become a military operation. Slipping out without Small being aware, was the only way to get out alive. On this particular day, he was also not feeling well, a double whammy. For some reason known only to myself, on the way to what at the time I thought was my most important interview to date (unfortunately, this is pretty much every interview for me at the moment, changing my mind as I do, on an almost daily basis, about what it is I should be doing with my life), I decided to 'say goodbye' to Small. He became literally hysterical. I picked him up (again, why?) and instead of putting my hair behind my shoulders, a defence tactic honed as result of Small's joyless vomit strategy (Being asked to share? Vomit! Feeling upset? Just vomit! Over excited? Vomit again!), I leant into him, holding his head close into my shoulder. What a loving mother you might think, which as it happens, I am - but on this occasion, why, why oh why did I hug my youngest born when he was apoplectic with rage? With sick now dripping on my shirt and in my hair I threw him at the babysitter now no longer bothered by his tears - heartless cow that I am. All I can say is this was not the occasion for which dry shampoo was invented, but with 5 minutes to leave the house and make my interview, it was indeed dry shampoo, a hastily pulled together bun and a liberal spraying of La Labo Santal 33 that got me to the church on time. At the end of the interview, the guy interviewing me even commented on my amazing scent - which in the world of #metoo, actually feels pretty inappropriate anyway.
"I am on a journey. A dangerous journey where my path will be littered with obstacles, and vomit strewn like confetti across the road."
And other awkward questions
So what did I learn from all this? Well honestly, I don't really know. Am I an idiot? A technophobe unable to select the correct file to attach to an email? A curiously useless woman only able to function normally outside of her own home? I am all of these things, and I am more. Mostly, I am just a confused and well meaning mother of two looking for some meaning to her life, that isn't just being a confused and well meaning mother of two. All I can take from any of this, is that I am on a journey. A dangerous journey where my path will be littered with obstacles, and vomit strewn like confetti across the road. But by God I'm here, and I'm rocking a pair of oversized electric blue trousers rather well I think. And if I can talk myself into an interview despite sending the recruiter a picture of a well formed stool in a neon green plastic potty, then I can't be all that useless, can I?