I'm the one at the school gates with the perfectly made up face, and the pret-a-perfect outfit. The one who looks like they've got it all together. Well, don't judge a book by its cover baby - because the truth is, I'm a mess.
Wise Sheryl
I can't remember which Sheryl Crow song of my youth it was, but I'll always remember the lyrics. "No one said it would be easy - but no one said it be this hard". Oh, wise Sheryl. It's not the most grammatically accurate of wisdoms, but the words ring true nonetheless. On paper, my life is enviable. 2 lovely, if sometimes snotty and disparaging children (I don't know how a 7 year old can be disparaging, but he can), a beautiful home, a loving if occasionally annoying husband, shelves for my shoes (yes, shelves!). A support system. People that care for me. Hate me yet?
"On paper, my life is enviable. 2 lovely, if sometimes snotty and disparaging children, a beautiful home, a loving if occasionally annoying husband, shelves for my shoes (yes, shelves!). A support system. People that care for me. Hate me yet?"
Luck is what you make it
I'm lucky. I know this, because I'm the person I used to hate. The one who I thought had it all, and made the rest of us look like we were collecting consolation prizes. But recently, after throwing myself into work for the last 14 years of my life, I realised I was deeply, and profoundly unhappy with how it was all panning out; or should I say how I was panning out. This makes me sound like the most ungrateful, wretched woman on the planet - but I didn't feel proud of myself for me. Yes, I'm proud of my children. I'm proud of the home my husband and I worked so hard to build and the fact that we managed to maintain our marriage while doing so - but without those things, without all of this stuff - was I happy with me, with who I was? Outside of my marriage and my family, exactly who was I? Work, the place I'd always turned to as my defining characteristic, just didn't have the answers. And I realised I was scared, and middle aged, and playing a part - and frankly a bit of a mess. If this all sounds terribly self indulgent, then don't get me wrong, I'm aware. I'm so bloody lucky.
"Was I happy with me, with who I was? Outside of my marriage and my family, exactly who was I?"
Drowning/ not drowning
So I left my permanent, well paid, great on paper job. And now I'm just a bit at sea. And when I say a bit, I mean every day is a struggle not to drown. But its a good feeling, because its the trying to stay afloat that shows me I can. That I have the potential to be the person I hoped one day I would be. In the meantime, I'm spending more time with my children. I'm trying not to just look like I have it all together, but actually get it all together. Don't let the make up and high heels fool you. I'm the mum who is perpetually late, who's always forgotten the packed lunch or the school trip permission slip. The one who feels like she is constantly fighting a battle to be part of the school gate gang, but never quite fitting in. The one who looks confident, and tries to help, but never feels like she's quite as capable as everyone else. For a long time I blamed work, being busy, trying to juggle. But the truth is, sometimes I am just plain crap, and there is no excuse as to why. And that's ok.
"I'm going to not be a mess soon, because I'm working on it. And this blog is all about sharing that, and honesty, and showing that all the lovely pictures don't mean that behind them isn't a big, heaving, sobbing mess of a woman who is trying to work it all out"
I'm working on it
I'm going to not be a mess soon, because I'm working on it. And this blog is about sharing that, and honesty, and showing that all the lovely pictures don't mean that behind them isn't a big, heaving, sobbing mess of a woman who is trying to work it all out. And hate me if you like, but pretty soon, I'm not going to hate myself - and really, thats all that matters.